If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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