Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
