he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
