I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
