I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
