Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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