my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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