His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
