I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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