First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
