Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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