I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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