I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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