you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
