my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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