Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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