1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
