just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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