YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I FOUND THE LEGS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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