U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
