Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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