On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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