dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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