I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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