Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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