By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
