I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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