I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's shark week go big or go home
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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