oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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