Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
