I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
