the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
