You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
