I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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