i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
It's like God shit irony all over that family
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
high people should be assigned attendants
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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