I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
