Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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