The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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