and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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