everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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