i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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