I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
