is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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