Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Randomize
