Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
