got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
