At least make sure they are 18
Why
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
