I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Randomize
