he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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