you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
