Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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