I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't special order awesome
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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