I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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