your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
