Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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