all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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