Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Found your dick twin last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
