Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
