omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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