it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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