Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
