When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize