oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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