Already got asked if we're dating
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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