Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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