Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
