I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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